A diviner once told me, “Let the Sign speak for itself.”
To be honest, I still don’t get it, or why I am choosing to use it here. It just seems like its the right thing to say. When I was first asked to write this column, I ran through multiple personalities, playing with witty names, funny quips based on bad pornos, genitalia, and fetishes of one flavor or another, Beary Goldwater, which I still might use at some point in my life.
I had romanticized visions of people waiting on baited breath for me to submit an entry, my first one was going to be “What not to say, and how not to say it: Tips for Talking Dirty While Not Getting Kicked Out of Bed.” I even wrote a top ten list of the worst possible things ….”10. Cum eating dumpster whore, to 1. Who’s your creepy uncle?.”
There is something to be said for wanting everyone to think you are smart, and funny, and for that matter let’s add on handsome, mysterious, sexy, attractive….the list goes on ad nauseum.
I am writing this to ask, are our idealized selves, the selves that we project in order to be accepted, loved, wanted, are they really our best selves? What is it about our bodies that makes us want to contort them into other bodies? What happens when a sign is not allowed to speak for itself?
Ultimately Sex Pistil won out, I am not sure why, maybe it has something to do with signs……
I am fascinated with words, there is something about the utterance that is both mysterious in its biology as well as in its inception. When does a thought so permeate its surroundings that it must be expressed, or put another way, what is the texture of thinking?….I know, not your average sex-based column, but for me, the body, pleasure, sex, the sensual, the erotic, demands that we deconstruct, de-center, the places where we want to be something other than what we are. I am not talking about role playing, or acting, in fact my intuition tells me that sexual exploration, in all its forms, can and is a method, a gestalt, which seeks to get at the “real” the “experience” of being embodied, no wait, of being in my body. How does a gimp mask become part of our nakedness, and what does it mean to be completely naked?
I feel like I am tangential boy, maybe that’s the precautionary tale here, but there is something about webbing, about connectivity of thought to body, of signal to synapse, that I am trying to get at. I remember when I first heard about the “hertionary”- a feminist dictionary, in which entries are categorized by connection to other words as opposed to alphabetized a-z. My first response was really…how the hell am i going to find anything in the motherfucker? My second response, was hmmmm someone had way too much time on their hands. As it has sunken in through out the years, I wonder if the connections only make sense to the person that collates the experiences. Is the only true hertionary the one that is created individually? I also wonder if that is what a body is……
I am going to finish this column with a story, the story of the Sad Seal Lady. I am not sure why, but it just seems like it’s the right thing to say.
In a time before remembering, there was a village. This was a small village which was built by the sea, and in this village there were only men. The men enjoyed their lives, their world was the sea and each other. They spent their days fishing, mending nets, singing, playing. As the years went by, however, they realized that something was missing, what was missing was another… something different from themselves, something they could love and sleep with, something that knew the mystery of making little men to grow up and take care of them in their old age. These were fleeting thoughts, because afterall, these men were still fairly young, and these thoughts were but a fleeting worry in their minds.
Age crept up upon these men, and slowly some of the villagers died, became ill, or simply left, never to return to the village again. Sorrow, despair, and loneliness now reigned in this village, and the remaining men cried out to the Great Spirit.
“Great Spirit,” they said, “You have given us great knowledge and talents. You have shown us how to hunt on the land, how to hunt in the sea, you have shown us how to make fire for warmth, how to build our lodges, and how to live a good life. Why do you now forget about us in our time of need.”
In the sea, there lived a seal, a beautiful lady seal who lived with her mother and grandmother. This seal lived and played in the ocean, and she grew inquisitive about the going ons on land. She watched as these strange creatures learned how to live in the world. She remembered when the first of them came to the shore and would sleep on the ground, alone and cold. She remembered watching them as they learned to build lodges, to hunt game on land, and fish in the ocean. She remembered when they first created fire, and how they learned to not only cook their food, but to get warm by the flame. She was there watching, as she had always been.
Lately, The Great Seal Lady, noticed that these creatures were getting small in numbers. She remembered their faces, and she was curious as to why they seemed older. She was curious as to why there were so few now, it seemed like just yesterday there were many more. The great seal lady decided that she should ask her mother and grandmother why this was so. That night, as the great seal lady was talking to her mother and grandmother about her day, she asked, “Mother, and Grandmother, you are wise, and know the things that happened before I was born. I have been watching these creatures that lived on the edge of our home for many years. At first they were happy, but now they are few in number and are sad. Why is this so?”
The Great Seal Lady’s mother and grandmother looked at each in a knowing way, and the grandmother spoke, “Great Seal Lady,” she said,”We have noticed these things too, we know why they are sad. They are said because they were made incomplete. They don’t have another, like we do. they don’t have a being which supports and nurtures them, they don’t have a mate who listens to their worries and reassures them, and they don’t know the mystery of making children who will carry on the lineage that was birthed since the beginning. ”
The Great Seal Lady listened to her mother and grandmother, and she thought about how hard it must be for the creatures on the shore to be so incomplete. She began to feel bad for these creatures, and she cried out to the Great Spirit. “Great Spirit,” she said, “I am the Great Seal Lady, daughter of my mother and grandmother, and I want to help these poor creatures who live on the shore.”
Great Spirit spoke, and voice was the not an outside voice, like the voice of her mother and grandmother, but it was a voice that only she could hear. The Great Spirit said, “Great Seal Lady, why do you care what happens to these creatures?”
Great Seal Lady replied, “I don’t know, I have watched them for a long time, and they have done many things. They learned how to build lodges to sleep, they learned to hunt game on land and fish in the sea, and they learned how to build a fire to cook and keep warm with the flame. I don’t know why I care what happens to them.”
Great Spirit responded, “Great Seal Lady, if you care for them that much, here is what you can do to help them. You are different from them, you know how to love and sleep with another, and you know the mystery of making children, are you willing to teach them these things.”
The Great Seal Lady thought, and thought, and on the fourth day she said, “Great Spirit, I accept the challenge of teaching these creatures these things, what do I have to do?”
The Great Spirit instructed her how she should make medicine for transformation, the Spirit told her that in order to teach these creatures all these things, she would have to look like them. The Great Spirit told her that she would have to go to shore on the night of the new moon, when the moon was dark, and the night was long. That she should carry with her the medicine of transformation, and that she should rub the powders all over her body.
The Great Seal Lady did these things, and after she was done, she started to feel funny. Her once shiny fur, started to show wear and tear. There was a huge fissure that began the grow from her feet all the way to the top her head. The Great Seal Lady began to feel bigger than what her fur could contain, and in an instant, she popped out of her fur.
The Great Seal Lady was scared when this happened, and was cold. She stood up and looked in amazement at her fur, and tried as hard as she could to get back in it. The Great Seal Lady cried, and cried, and cried until the night was almost over. She began to realize that this was not what she wanted. She looked into the great sea that had once been her home, and in its reflection, she saw her new form.
The Great Seal Lady picked up her fur, and walked slowly and cautiously to the edge of the village. When she arrived the men saw her, and asked who she was. She responded, that she was the Great Seal Lady, and that she had come to teach them many things. The men heard her, and thought for many days, and when they spoke, they said, “You call yourself The Great Seal Lady, but Seals live in the Sea, and you do not look like a Seal. We will call you Woman.”
Sex Pistil
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hooray for sex pistil!
What an awesome story! Yes indeed, identity and deconstruction. Looking forward to more (including the lessons on dirty talk). Sex Pistil, you are so multifaceted, it’s crazy. More, more, more!
I love this column, Sex Pistil. Shit. I’m almost in tears and part of me wants to have this crazy talk about identity and desire politics and theory and the rhizome, and the rest of me just wants to crawl out of my shell and shed my defense mechanisms and be truly naked and let the sunshine hit my heart, but not just hit it…penetrate it…and breathe. Thank you for this gift, this offering, this wisdom. You, Sex Pistil, are not just a writer, but a storyteller. And I adore that I’m always learning from you. I can’t say exactly why, but I needed to hear your cautionary tales right now. It was the perfect moment of moments. Glad you went with your heart on this one, and you’re encouraging all of us to show up and do likewise. Blessings & Bliss, ~ Bella