Hard Wood. Yes, Please!

By a. eve · 60461329121 CommentsHard+Wood.+Yes%2C+Please%212010-07-21+16%3A46%3A41a.+eve · In Reviews

Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.

Have you ever gone to an art museum and said, “That looks like fun; I wish I could bring it home tonight and take it to bed!” Well, with Hardwood Dildos by Hans, you can do just that!

You might not be able to go to Rome and mount the statue of David, but you can fuck something almost as beautiful. Are you an art-slut? An aesthete? Got it bad for sexy forms and craftsmanship? Me too.

Hi. My name is Mistress Arabella, and I’m an art-slut. I thought my addiction was pretty much under control until I happened across the brilliance that is Hans’ custom-made Hardwood Dildos.

I mean… does it get any better than this? Talk about bringing luxury sex toy to a whole new level!

Create your own personal gallery of masterpieces for display. I like the idea of glass shelving staggered all about the wall, resting each dildo on its own perch, atop included velvet pouch, for showing. Invite friends to a Gallery Show, break out the wine & the good cheese, and then, why not dismantle the exhibit for some oh-so-naughty fun?

#513 Ash, 9.9

Hardwood Dildos by Hans are lovingly crafted out of the finest wood. They are curved and sanded and rounded. No sharp edges or potential slivers here! They are varnished (with multiple-coats of food-grade varnish) to last forever, protecting the wood and your body, and making them accessible toys for everyday use. You don’t have to worry about these dildos getting worse for the wear. They’ll stick with you, keep pace, and maybe even push your limits. Mmmmmmm.

Speaking of push, when I first unwrapped my custom-made Hardwood Dildo from it’s maroon velvet pouch complete with sweet drawstring tied into a bow, I took a moment to admire its body, length, girth and curves. Pleasure-ridges, too. Then, I wrapped my hand around its shaft and pushed it deep inside to the sensate-delight of my entire body. And that was before my pussy even had a taste!

About the varnish…

Each dildo is finished with at least five coats of Salad Bowl Finish, a food-quality varnish. The finish seals the wood, making them safe, waterproof, and natural-feeling. I never use any dyes or stains, and I’ve never heard of any allergic reactions.

Can I use lubrication with Hardwood Dildos?

Yes, the varnish is durable and is not affected by oil- or water-based lubricants. Just wipe clean when done.

How should I clean my dildo? Wash with mild soap and water, and dry with a clean cloth, after each use. In practice, it seems okay to simply wipe dry after use, and wash occasionally. As with any sex toy, use condoms or wash between partners if it’s being shared. Do not boil or put in a dishwasher.

–from Hans’ FAQs here

After being a good lil’ slut and cleaning my new toy with mild soap and water, slipping on a condom (I used RFSU Vegan Condoms… the Snugger, in particular, sold by The O!Zone Condom Shop and it fit perfectly), & lubing up a bit with my favorite silicone-based lube, I was ready to take this work of art into my body for evaluation.

I don’t have words to describe the ecstasy of this masterpiece as it entered my pussy and the ridges pushed up against my g-spot, the dildo angled perfectly for fucking with ergonomic ease. Instantaneous orgasm. My clit was so hard so fast, my nipples followed suit, and my pussy was gushing wetness.

Now, every good art-slut knows that to admire art from afar is one thing. To create it, another. But to be fucked by it… well, that’s something else entirely. Something goddamn delicious.

Call me old-fashioned, but although I love my Hitachi for clit stimulation, I often prefer my insertables to be of the non-vibrating variety. Why? you might ask. Mostly because having something rock hard inside of me gets me off. I squirt more frequently and more easily with non-vibrating dildos. I love being able to fall asleep with a decent dildo inside of me, and know that I can wake up to its persistent hardness and my dripping wetness. Yes, Lord.

Hans currently has 112 models of Hardwood Dildos available, in addition to his ability to custom-make one to your specifications that will, undoubtedly, blow you away and bring you earth-shattering orgasms along with a luxury art item, a collector’s piece, and something that you’ll just have to show all your friends! Mine travels with me in my purse quite often, because I never know when I’m going to have a chance to show off its beauty and prowess.

I know you want one, but how do you pick? These tips are from Hans to you:

What to consider when choosing a dildo…
Bigger is not always better! You can get an idea of the thickness you want by measuring the toy, penis, or fingers you already use. All dildos here have the diameter listed in inches, or two measurements if the ends are different. Curves, ribs, or knobs are up to your personal preference.

How are the prices determined?
The price of each dildo is based on its size, complexity, and wood type. Prices average $100, which is a comparable to other high quality dildos or handcrafted art.

Hardwood Dildos by Hans also make exquisite anniversary presents or birthday presents for the special someone in your life. I’d imagine that men could get just as much pleasure out of them as women, whether giving or receiving. Who doesn’t want their hands all over a sexy piece of art? Yes, looking at it makes me cum. Just looking…

And that’s reason enough for you to pick one up. Tell Hans that Bella sent you, and say hi for me!

Sinfully yours,
Mistress Bella

Disclaimer: This product was provided free-of-charge by Hardwood Dildos for the purpose of unbiased review. This review is in compliance with the guidelines set forth by the FTC.

About The Author

a. eve

Pansexual sensate aesthete. Proponent of resources and eduction to help us each live our best lives. Kinky, quirky, sex-obsessed, sex toy-obsessed, sexpos critical theory slut with a passion for writing & def an acquired taste. Interests: The loveliness of everything being lovely. Wearing stars in the night sky. Buddhism. Critical Theory. Embodiment. Authentic Connection. Preparing happy, humming food. Baking bread from scratch. Thunderstorms. Storytelling. Sharing. Old typewriters. Dangly earrings.

Visit Authors Website →