A New Day

If you’ve spent any time around me, my words, or in my sphere, you’ve probably heard me say that upwards of 20% of relationships now sprout online. It’s true.
Unfortunately, the world of online dating is a wild card. It’s hard to know who you’re chatting with, who you’re meeting for coffee (when you decide to take it real-time), and it’s even harder to know what s/he might do to you if s/he is able to get you alone.

There are so many variables: There’s being human, thinking we’ve fallen in lust or love. There are charmers and charismatics. There is the fantasy of hot sex, which for some of us involves bondage or pain. There are those masquerading as people they are not. And there are those being their perfect sociopathic selves.

The majority of us aren’t trained to recognize the signs. Not in advance, anyway. Not when it could do us some good. Not when it might save our life or the lives of our loved ones.

Recently, on Fetlife, I received a message from a woman warning me about a particular user that she had seen on my friends’ list. She explained that she had just been violently raped by him, and that she wants to spare others from falling prey to the same fate. I was shocked. My jaw dropped. I began to tremble. And cry.

He had done the same thing to me. He had done the same thing to me, and it didn’t even click until I was reading her words. (Sometimes, we’re oh-so-good, too good, at launching defense-mechanisms. Sometimes, it’s easier to brush something away as a bad date, then it is to admit to ourselves that we were violated. Sometimes, it’s easier to bury the memory deep in our mind under other layers of meaningless fluff so that we don’t have to think about it or feel it.)

As I read her words, though, it all came flooding back to me. His questioning of me beforehand, asking me what I would do if I was in a rape/assault situation, and was facing the end of my life… What if it really is the end next time? he asked. By that time, he had already managed to get me alone with him. In a secluded room, at a dive motel, with mirrored ceilings and headboard. (A motel he frequents with his soon-to-be victims.)

He put on a great show for me, fumbling with the room key, acting surprised at the plethora of mirrors, telling me he had never been there before.

I kept trying to get my words out… What if it really is the end next time? What would you do? he had asked. And I kept hearing his questions on repeat in my mind.

He grabbed me, and held me, forcing me close to him. If it’s really the end, I said, looking him straight in the eye, then it’s the end. And I’m going to go out praying. 

I was still talking, babbling an addendum to the first part of my reply, and he was unbuttoning my dress… taking off my lingerie… stripping me nude, naked, exposed, vulnerable… Telling me that we were done talking. That there weren’t going to be any more questions. Or answers. While I was still trying to answer his question, he tackled me and forced me down on the bed. What if it’s really the end? I thought to myself.

Before he assaulted me, before he raped me, before he brutalized me, he took out a camera and a video camera. And ignored my request to at least turn out the lights–all the better for picture and video quality, I’m sure. It became clear to me very, very quickly that he didn’t give a fuck about me. Nevermind him telling me how beautiful I was, how gorgeous, how lovely, just like he tells all his victims.

He wanted what he wanted. He’s physically strong. He’s dangerously aggressive. And he was going to take it. I tried to rationalize to myself that this was just his idea of hot sex. The problem was when I was screaming in pain and telling him to stop, he didn’t stop.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes. I have recently discovered that there are many many more who have been brutalized by him than I first thought. Hell, another even reached out to me. And in the few hours that she and I were talking he tried to snag another rape victim. (Well, probably more than just one, but she and I heard about one because it really is a small, small world at times.)

Within hours of being raped, his newest survivor (I call her that because that’s what she is) contacted FetLife to tell them what happened, to report his inappropriate & illegal conduct, and to ask for their help in making sure that he doesn’t continue to harm others.

FetLife refused to help. They made a token gesture of giving her the web address of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, but they didn’t even give her a goddamn assault hotline number. What the fuck, FetLife? Really?

She wrote them back, asking if it would be okay to post about what he did to her, so that other women would be warned, and hopefully stay safe. Spared from the horrors her and I went through at his hands. This is FetLife’s response:

You are certainly welcome to write about your experiences – however, we only ask that you do not specifically refer to him in any way, either his FetLife nickname or real name. That way, he can’t complain, and you can always suggest to others who read your writing to contact you privately to find out who it is.

Please know that any comment to your writing can’t refer to him either – so if your friends know who he is on FetLife, ask them to refrain from ‘pointing’ to him. That will just keep us all out of conflict, and you’re free to discuss what happened, hopefully to the benefit of someone else who might be going through something similar.

Again… my heart goes out to you, and I truly hope you’re able to recover and move past such an awful experience. If there’s anything else I can do, just let me know! :)

Keep on spanking,
<insert caretaker’s name here>
The FetLife Caretaker Team caretakers[at]fetlife[dot]com

Really, FetLife? Really? Is that the best you can do? Call yourselves a “community” of all things, call yourselves “caretakers” and refuse to deal with perpetrators and rapists that use your site to groom fresh meat before attacking?

Of course the victim can’t say anything. Of course you’d say that we’re not allowed to point fingers. Or keep others safe. Of course you’re on the side of the goddamn perpetrator every time. Of course you don’t do shit to help those of us that have been hurt or to protect those of us who might be hurt.

It didn’t make an ounce of sense to me, any way I sliced it, until I realized that perpetrators are the most-active members on FetLife. They are feeding addictions and compulsions. Not only are they on the site multiple times a day (driving traffic of their own), when they’re grooming innocents to become victims, their soon-to-be victims spend more time on the site, too. Traffic translates directly into dollars. Dollars from a higher Alexa ranking. Dollars from advertisements.

You’ve named yourselves FetLife, not FetDeath or FetAssault or FetRape or FetAlmost-get-Killed. Are you really going to continue putting money ahead of life? Do you really value that more?

When I was searching for inspiration to help me get through this editorial, I came across the screenplay of the film Network (1976) written by Paddy Chayefsky. More specifically, I came across these words that spoke directly to my heart and my own feelings:

“I am a human being, goddamn it. My life has value. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore.”

The perpetrator recently posted two pictures of when he assaulted me. Within hours after noticing, instead of staying planted in my chair, consumed and frozen by my fear, my apathy, I decided to write the FetLife Caretakers a message of my own… which quickly turned into two messages.

Here’s what I had to say:

Dear FetLife Caretakers:
I need your help. There is a man on your site who is dangerous, violent, and has been serially assaulting and raping women. He takes non-consensual photos while they are bound and restrained, before, during and after the rapes, and posts them to his profile. His username on your site is <insert username here>. <insert link to his profile here>

I have been assaulted by him, as have many other women. Recently, he uploaded photos of me that he took during the assault. These photos were taken non-consensually, and I had made it perfectly clear to <insert perpetrator’s username & real name here> that he did not have permission or consent to take photos or video (which he also has of me & his other victims).

Here are links to the pictures of me.
<insert link one>
<insert link two>

Please take them down immediately and take action to prevent him from harming other people in your “community.”

Please do not sign your response “Happy spanking.” I am so not in the mood after being violated by <insert his username here> and re-violated by his non-consensually posting pictures of the assault.

Thank you,
<my username>

Now, I wasn’t expecting much of a response. And I didn’t hear back from FetLife for two days. During those two days, the non-consensual pictures of when he violated me remained on his profile. It was driving me crazy. I felt helpless, lost, confused, and angry all at once. About 12 hours after sending FetLife the first email, I wrote again. I forwarded the email above with the following preface:

I’m resending the following message and also reporting <insert perpetrator’s username here and link to his profile>. I’m reporting him for the reasons listed below.

This is completely unacceptable that you still have not removed these non-consensual photos of me that were taken during a rape.

Please……….. take them down.

Please stop him from preying on other members of your “community.”

Please write back to me ASAP to let me know that you have removed the pictures of me (“trophies” of his rape), and what further steps you are taking to keep your “community” safe.

Every day that you ignore this issue (every hour that you ignore it), more innocent people are getting harmed.

I don’t feel like I should have to say this, but please please don’t mention this report when you remove the photos.

I just find it disgusting how hard you work to protect perpetrators, leaving us that have been violated out in the cold. I think I get it… they’re your most active members… and traffic is revenue.

But please… think about the safety of all of us, here. You enabling perpetrators to assault, attack, rape & worse isn’t worth making a buck. There are lives at stake. Again, please write back to me ASAP.

See the previous email below.

Thank you,
<insert my username here>

Tonight, I found that not only had FetLife replied, but they took action. They removed the non-consenual rape pictures of me. And they are encouraging me to spread the word and encourage others who have non-consensual photos up on this perpetrator’s profile to contact them so that they can also help by removing those photos. I was shocked. I didn’t think that my words had that much value, that much meaning. I knew my words were powerful, but I didn’t realize quite how powerful. Here is FetLife’s response to me:

Hi there, thanks for emailing us, we are really sorry to hear this happened to you :( The photos of you have been removed as per your request and if you do see any others, please do let us know.  

If you recognize any of the other users in the photo gallery, please contact them and encourage them to contact us and we will do the same for them. We also hope you have contacted the local authorities to help you out in this matter.  

We are sorry that you had to go through this experience, and hopefully things will improve from here on out. If we can do anything else to help you, please do let us know.

— Sincerely,
<insert caretaker’s name here>
The FetLife Caretaker Team
caretakers[at]fetlife.com

If anything, this experience has taught me that our words are powerful. They are more powerful than we know. Standing up for yourself is the only way to create change. I’ve believed for a long time that activism begins with dialogue, and now my faith in that sentiment is renewed and energized.

It’s true. Activism begins with dialogue. This post is me writing to you, beginning a dialogue, so that we can take action together.

Even when you feel helpless, you’re not. Even when all you see ahead of you is a brick wall and a Terms of Agreement that insulates the very person (or people) that hurt you, it doesn’t mean that there’s no way through.

Begin a dialogue.
Take action.
Stand up for yourself.
Stand up for others.
Create change.

It may just leave you having a little more faith in the world.

Thank you, FetLife, for taking down the non-consensual pictures. Thank you for engaging in a dialogue with me and inviting me to continue our dialogue. I will be in touch with other ways that you can help; there is still much work to be done. Together. Thank you, FetLife, for realizing that I’m a human being goddamn it, and my life has value.

And to everyone reading this, take a moment to repeat after me: I’m a human being goddamn it. My life has value.

Today the World Changed A Lotta Bit… For the Better. We’re stronger together than we are alone. We’re stronger vocal than we are silent. Begin a dialogue. Take action. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others. Create change. You, too, can make a difference, even when you first think it’s impossible.

Yours in Activism,
Mistress Arabella